Tuesday, June 16, 2015 - 
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Roller Coasters
I remember on the day that I found out about my ex husband's actions, sitting in my chair, and feeling like the whole world was tilting. Had I not been sitting down in my chair, I am pretty sure I would have fallen down. In a sudden instant, my controlled, calm world started to tilt. I felt like I was on an awful roller coaster ride that I couldn't get off.
During all of this, I found myself looking for something to hold on to. Something to anchor myself to, to stop the roller coaster of my life for just a moment. I spent many weeks looking for something tangible to hold on to. As I struggled to find anything to quell the feelings I was feeling, small things started happening in my life, that I see now, have altered my path.
One day, as I was packing up some of my ex husband's stuff, I came across a small gift box that I had packed away some years earlier. As soon as I saw this box, I was immediately flooded with the memories associated with what was inside. I'd better explain:
Several years ago, while working on the ambulance, we were sent to a horrific call at a group housing complex. I can't and won't go into the details, because, quite honestly they aren't the kind of thing anyone should have to deal with. Anyway, I digress. As my partner and I were dealing with the madness of this call, we were told that we would not be able to leave the scene until each and every resident of the facility had been picked up by family members.
So, we sat there, trying to make sense of everything we had just seen and had to deal with...We were then informed that we needed to escort each resident to their individual apartment and help them pack, so they could leave. As we carried out our duties, we were like zombies. Our emotions and brains were totally overloaded. I took a lady to her apartment, and started helping her pack, when I noticed that she was just standing there staring at me. I asked her if everything was alright, and she walked up to me and gave me a hug.
Now, I must admit, that I am a bit of a hugger, but on this day, that act physically hurt. I was so raw from everything that had happened that it was tough for me to let her touch me. After a moment she pulled away, and told me thank you for everything I'd done that day, and that I was her hero. With that being said, she quietly went back to packing.
I didn't think much of the interaction, until days later, when I was called into my chief's office. As I sat there, he said that a package had arrive for me, one without a return address or name. As I opened the package, a small box was inside with a simple note that said for my hero. Inside the box was a small dainty necklace. It had 2 small discs on one is said "Be" and on the other, it had these words on it: "at peace; kind; free; true; compassionate; brave; strong; happy & thankful"
It was truly a beautiful gesture, but at the time, I wasn't in the best mindset to appreciate it, so I packed it away. It wasn't until this day as I was struggling to find my anchor, that I found it again. As I held the necklace in my hand, those words seemed to give me peace. They quieted the internal storm of emotions that I had been feeling.
As I put the necklace on, the world seemed to still, and for a time, the earth seemed not to be tilting under my feet. I've taken to wearing this necklace every day, as a reminder of what I'm capable of handling, and for what I've been through.
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| My necklace, and continuing to be a hero |
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