Friday, May 29, 2015

Friday, May 29, 2015 - No comments

Finding the sunshine again

I lost myself.

After finding out what my ex husband did, it seems like most of the best parts of me went away. I was lost, miserable and hurting. All of the happiness and peace that I'd once felt, had left my life in a dark instant. For months, I was living in an anger fueled fog. Get up, get dressed, be mad, get Brinley up, smile at her so she thinks you're okay, hair done, cry for a minute because you're scared, school, work, homework, bedtime, be hurt, be alone, be mad...repeat...

This became my new normal, nothing brought me any joy, all the happiness I'd once felt was achingly gone. It felt like when you're sitting outside in the sun and it gets covered by clouds. You instantly miss the warmth and brightness, but there is nothing you can do to bring it back. I was surrounded by people, but felt isolated and alone.

The questions I was then faced with was how am I going to get over this? How do I find that happiness that once radiated through me. Am I strong enough? Am I good enough? Do I want to? A lot of questions with no answers. The problem with questions like those, is that no one but you can find the answers to. Friends and family members told me it would get easier, that in time I'd feel better. But, when you're in the midst of something, its hard to see the end.

The end is still a long ways off. I'm not sure if I'll ever fully get over what happened to me, what happened to Brinley...But I know that right now, it seems like the clouds have dissipated and I am starting to feel the warmth again. It's amazing how when you feel like you're about to give up, that something happens to allow you to continue fighting. I'm lucky to say that people have come into my life recently that have helped me find some happiness. Old friends, new friends, lost family members, complete strangers. Each has shared a little bit of themselves with me, and have helped me during my darkest times.

I find myself starting to smile, often... It's a strange feeling to be a peace for a moment. No drama, no anger, no hate, just calmness. It's going to take some getting used to, but I think that it is going to be one challenge I can happily accept.


Monday, May 25, 2015

Monday, May 25, 2015 - No comments

Cracks

I remember once when I was young, watching a silly cartoon or tv show, where the young characters were rough housing and broke their mother/father's prized antique vase. I remember the young kids quickly grabbed the crazy glue and pieced the vase back together again. They did quite an impressive job if I remember correctly. Not a crack to be seen, it looked as good as new. Their mom/dad was unaware of what happened, until the day that the vase was filled with water for flowers. You can guess what happened next, the cracks in the vase became apparent, as the water leaked out from each one.

Why am I thinking about fixed vases? Well, that's what I feel like. I feel broken most days, and even though I look fine, there are days where the water pours from my cracks. I feel like some days I am just doing my best to hold myself together so I don't completely fall apart.  This weekend was one of those times where my cracks showed and truth be told my vase shattered again. It was all I could do to function. I found myself laying in bed shaking, just trying to hold onto something to keep me whole.

I laid there for what seemed like hours, when my cell phone chimed and incoming text. It was from someone new in my life, someone who has rapidly become someone special. The text simply asked me if I was ok. All I could type back, was no, not ok. With those words, my world shattered and loud choking sobs tore from me. As I lay there dealing with my torrent of emotions, the texts from this person flowed in. Supportive, loving, honest..accepting. The one text that started putting me back together was one that told me that I'm allowed to feel what I'm feeling. This was the first time that it hit me, I'm allowed to feel bad, sad, broken.

I know this won't be the last time I crack or even break. My whole world was turned upside down in an instant, and I am still learning how to live this way. Hopefully one day the cracks will disappear and I can be whole again. Until that day, however, I am going to strive to embrace each one, because they don't take away from my beauty, the add to it.