Friday, May 29, 2015 - 
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Finding the sunshine again
After finding out what my ex husband did, it seems like most of the best parts of me went away. I was lost, miserable and hurting. All of the happiness and peace that I'd once felt, had left my life in a dark instant. For months, I was living in an anger fueled fog. Get up, get dressed, be mad, get Brinley up, smile at her so she thinks you're okay, hair done, cry for a minute because you're scared, school, work, homework, bedtime, be hurt, be alone, be mad...repeat...
This became my new normal, nothing brought me any joy, all the happiness I'd once felt was achingly gone. It felt like when you're sitting outside in the sun and it gets covered by clouds. You instantly miss the warmth and brightness, but there is nothing you can do to bring it back. I was surrounded by people, but felt isolated and alone.
The questions I was then faced with was how am I going to get over this? How do I find that happiness that once radiated through me. Am I strong enough? Am I good enough? Do I want to? A lot of questions with no answers. The problem with questions like those, is that no one but you can find the answers to. Friends and family members told me it would get easier, that in time I'd feel better. But, when you're in the midst of something, its hard to see the end.
The end is still a long ways off. I'm not sure if I'll ever fully get over what happened to me, what happened to Brinley...But I know that right now, it seems like the clouds have dissipated and I am starting to feel the warmth again. It's amazing how when you feel like you're about to give up, that something happens to allow you to continue fighting. I'm lucky to say that people have come into my life recently that have helped me find some happiness. Old friends, new friends, lost family members, complete strangers. Each has shared a little bit of themselves with me, and have helped me during my darkest times.
I find myself starting to smile, often... It's a strange feeling to be a peace for a moment. No drama, no anger, no hate, just calmness. It's going to take some getting used to, but I think that it is going to be one challenge I can happily accept.
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