Thursday, August 13, 2015

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Answered Prayers and life changing decisions

Life thew me a curve ball a few weeks ago... A man named Blare Parker blew into my life, and nothing has been the same since. (In a totally good way) A few months ago, I was dealing with a crap load of emotions after another guy disappeared out of my life for no reason. I was hurt, lonely and very discouraged. Instead of blasting my feeling out on social media or blogging about them (as is typical Amanda fashion) I took to my knees and began praying for the strength to change. I also started praying that I could be the kind of person that my Heavenly Father wanted me to be, and most importantly I prayed hard that Heavenly Father would send me someone to help ease my pain.

I won't lie to you, it was the hardest thing I've had to do, to turn everything over to a higher power and just let things "Be" for a while. But, I found as I worried about finding someone less, my heart was calmed and a peacefulness settled into my heart. After a few weeks of praying daily for this, I knew that someone special was just waiting for me.

That special someone entered my life a few days later, and we both fell head over heels in love with one another. I know it sounds very cliche, but I truly believe that Blare is my soul mate, and I his. I knew within a few days of first meeting him and his family, that this would be the man that I would marry and spend the rest of my life with. He felt the same way and we were engaged and quickly married within a few months of meeting one another.

I plan on continuing to write on this blog, as we settle into being a blended family. I hope that each of you continue to read and follow along in our journey.

And now...meet Blare Parker...my husband!!
Pure Happiness

On our Wedding Day

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

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Roller Coasters

I've never been a big fan of riding roller coasters. I don't like that feeling you get right after you crest the top of the hill and start your decent down the ride. I don't like that feeling of being off balance, of being out of control.

I remember on the day that I found out about my ex husband's actions, sitting in my chair, and feeling like the whole world was tilting. Had I not been sitting down in my chair, I am pretty sure I would have fallen down. In a sudden instant, my controlled, calm world started to tilt. I felt like I was on an awful roller coaster ride that I couldn't get off.

During all of this, I found myself looking for something to hold on to. Something to anchor myself to, to stop the roller coaster of my life for just a moment. I spent many weeks looking for something tangible to hold on to. As I struggled to find anything to quell the feelings I was feeling, small things started happening in my life, that I see now, have altered my path.

One day, as I was packing up some of my ex husband's stuff, I came across a small gift box that I had packed away some years earlier. As soon as I saw this box, I was immediately flooded with the memories associated with what was inside. I'd better explain:

Several years ago, while working on the ambulance, we were sent to a horrific call at a group housing complex. I can't and won't go into the details, because, quite honestly they aren't the kind of thing anyone should have to deal with. Anyway, I digress. As my partner and I were dealing with the madness of this call, we were told that we would not be able to leave the scene until each and every resident of the facility had been picked up by family members.

So, we sat there, trying to make sense of everything we had just seen and had to deal with...We were then informed that we needed to escort each resident to their individual apartment and help them pack, so they could leave. As we carried out our duties, we were like zombies. Our emotions and brains were totally overloaded. I took a lady to her apartment, and started helping her pack, when I noticed that she was just standing there staring at me. I asked her if everything was alright, and she walked up to me and gave me a hug.

Now, I must admit, that I am a bit of a hugger, but on this day, that act physically hurt. I was so raw from everything that had happened that it was tough for me to let her touch me. After a moment she pulled away, and told me thank you for everything I'd done that day, and that I was her hero. With that being said, she quietly went back to packing.

I didn't think much of the interaction, until days later, when I was called into my chief's office. As I sat there, he said that a package had arrive for me, one without a return address or name. As I opened the package, a small box was inside with a simple note that said for my hero. Inside the box was a small dainty necklace. It had 2 small discs on one is said "Be" and on the other, it had these words on it: "at peace; kind; free; true; compassionate; brave; strong; happy & thankful"

It was truly a beautiful gesture, but at the time, I wasn't in the best mindset to appreciate it, so I packed it away. It wasn't until this day as I was struggling to find my anchor, that I found it again. As I held the necklace in my hand, those words seemed to give me peace. They quieted the internal storm of emotions that I had been feeling.

As I put the necklace on, the world seemed to still, and for a time, the earth seemed not to be tilting under my feet. I've taken to wearing this necklace every day, as a reminder of what I'm capable of handling, and for what I've been through.
My necklace, and continuing to be a hero



Sunday, June 14, 2015

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Learning to relax

B has been bugging me, ever since the weather has warmed up, to take her to beach. She wasn't very specific as to where or what beach we went, she just wanted to spend the day playing in the sand and water. Well this weekend, it happened that I was off for an entire Saturday, so we loaded up the bug and headed up to Mantua to relax.
Testing out the water
I won't lie, usually I am the type of person who has to be doing something at all time. Work, housework, homework, texting, talking..you get the picture, so I wasn't too entirely thrilled at the thought of just sitting in the sun relaxing.

It took me about 20 minutes to finally relax, put my phone away and just enjoy the moment. I don't think I have fully relaxed since my divorce. Being a single parent is one of the toughest things I've ever done. (and I've done a lot of tough stuff). I don't give myself time to fully unwind, because there is always something that needs my attention. I don't have that other person to help take up the slack when I need it.

I also have let my fears rule my life for a while now. I have this fear of losing B, so it has made me hyper aware of where she's at and what's she's doing at all times. But this day, I put all those fears aside, and just let her be carefree and young.

Building a sandcastle
No More Pictures Mom!
We stayed and played for over 5 hours. By the time we left, I felt relaxed, recharged and ready to face the world again. I think I may have found my new happy place.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

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I'm going to be okay.

One of my biggest fears when I got divorced, was not being able to find anyone again. It's tough going through a divorce, and always in the back of your mind is the thought that this might be the end of me ever having someone in my life. As I have moved along this path, and started to open myself up to those who I could possibly share my life with, I have learned a lot about myself.

The fear that once plagued me, of being alone, has now been replaced with the knowledge that I am okay on my own. I am strong enough, I am good enough, and I am going to be alright. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I like being alone. Who would? It's hard some days to come home from work and not have anyone here to ask how my day was, or to give me a hug when I need it. But I know that those things will come in time.

Right now, I am striving to find myself. Who am I really? Am I where I want to be in life? Am I happy with my choices? I've changed a few things about myself that I knew needed to go. I have started finding those things that make me truly happy. I'm trying to make peace with my ex husband, so that we together can be the best parents for our daughter. I won't tell you that it easy, some days when I look at him all of the hurt and anger come back without warning. But I am trying, we're trying.

I hope that by being able to accept these things, that I am in fact growing and healing. I know that in the end I'm going to make it through this. And I know that when I reach the end of this path, that I am going to be the best person I can be. I am going to be happy, healthy and whole again.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

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Successes and setbacks

Life sucks sometimes. There, I said it. I've found that just when I get used to life as it is, something new gets thrown into the mix and I have to re-adjust every thing. Some things are good, some of them are bad, but they challenge me none the less. This past week, I have been dealing with some heartache. I made the decision to allow someone into my life and into my heart. This person quickly wormed his way into my heart and gave me a reason to smile and be calm for even a fleeting moment. But in the end, his true colors came through and it ended in a clash of hurt and questions.

As I sit here and attempt to deal with the torrents of emotions that are running through my heart and mind, the questions that keep coming to me are...why me? why now? I feel so fragile sometimes that I wish I could just catch a break. I'm deeply afraid of what tomorrow holds some days. But, as with most things in life, things are out of my control.

I know that I needed to go through this situation. I needed this guy to come into my life to remind me, that it's okay to feel again. It's okay to open my heart. Yes, it's not always going to end up good, but as long as I learn something along the way, then I need to count it as a success. I needed him, even for the short time and heartache he's caused. I was starting to lose myself, starting to question the beliefs that I have held dear. It's amazing how one person can challenge everything you believe in.

Going through this, I have realized that I need to trust my gut instinct more. There were times with this guy that my gut was screaming at me that something was off. But I ignored it because I didn't trust myself or my instincts. I've felt so off after what happened with my ex husband, that I actually thought that I couldn't trust myself. I now know differently.

So...even though I'm hurt again, I'm going to count this as a success, because, after all...I learned that I am stronger than I thought.

Friday, May 29, 2015

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Finding the sunshine again

I lost myself.

After finding out what my ex husband did, it seems like most of the best parts of me went away. I was lost, miserable and hurting. All of the happiness and peace that I'd once felt, had left my life in a dark instant. For months, I was living in an anger fueled fog. Get up, get dressed, be mad, get Brinley up, smile at her so she thinks you're okay, hair done, cry for a minute because you're scared, school, work, homework, bedtime, be hurt, be alone, be mad...repeat...

This became my new normal, nothing brought me any joy, all the happiness I'd once felt was achingly gone. It felt like when you're sitting outside in the sun and it gets covered by clouds. You instantly miss the warmth and brightness, but there is nothing you can do to bring it back. I was surrounded by people, but felt isolated and alone.

The questions I was then faced with was how am I going to get over this? How do I find that happiness that once radiated through me. Am I strong enough? Am I good enough? Do I want to? A lot of questions with no answers. The problem with questions like those, is that no one but you can find the answers to. Friends and family members told me it would get easier, that in time I'd feel better. But, when you're in the midst of something, its hard to see the end.

The end is still a long ways off. I'm not sure if I'll ever fully get over what happened to me, what happened to Brinley...But I know that right now, it seems like the clouds have dissipated and I am starting to feel the warmth again. It's amazing how when you feel like you're about to give up, that something happens to allow you to continue fighting. I'm lucky to say that people have come into my life recently that have helped me find some happiness. Old friends, new friends, lost family members, complete strangers. Each has shared a little bit of themselves with me, and have helped me during my darkest times.

I find myself starting to smile, often... It's a strange feeling to be a peace for a moment. No drama, no anger, no hate, just calmness. It's going to take some getting used to, but I think that it is going to be one challenge I can happily accept.


Monday, May 25, 2015

Monday, May 25, 2015 - No comments

Cracks

I remember once when I was young, watching a silly cartoon or tv show, where the young characters were rough housing and broke their mother/father's prized antique vase. I remember the young kids quickly grabbed the crazy glue and pieced the vase back together again. They did quite an impressive job if I remember correctly. Not a crack to be seen, it looked as good as new. Their mom/dad was unaware of what happened, until the day that the vase was filled with water for flowers. You can guess what happened next, the cracks in the vase became apparent, as the water leaked out from each one.

Why am I thinking about fixed vases? Well, that's what I feel like. I feel broken most days, and even though I look fine, there are days where the water pours from my cracks. I feel like some days I am just doing my best to hold myself together so I don't completely fall apart.  This weekend was one of those times where my cracks showed and truth be told my vase shattered again. It was all I could do to function. I found myself laying in bed shaking, just trying to hold onto something to keep me whole.

I laid there for what seemed like hours, when my cell phone chimed and incoming text. It was from someone new in my life, someone who has rapidly become someone special. The text simply asked me if I was ok. All I could type back, was no, not ok. With those words, my world shattered and loud choking sobs tore from me. As I lay there dealing with my torrent of emotions, the texts from this person flowed in. Supportive, loving, honest..accepting. The one text that started putting me back together was one that told me that I'm allowed to feel what I'm feeling. This was the first time that it hit me, I'm allowed to feel bad, sad, broken.

I know this won't be the last time I crack or even break. My whole world was turned upside down in an instant, and I am still learning how to live this way. Hopefully one day the cracks will disappear and I can be whole again. Until that day, however, I am going to strive to embrace each one, because they don't take away from my beauty, the add to it.